The whale in the pond is, of course, the prospect of impending death, when it will happen and how it will happen. There are no answers to those questions so we have to ignore them, as best we can, and get on with the everyday life. That still means that every ache and pain that G suffers panics me and I wonder is this it, the beginning of the end? I’m sure he does too but we’ve stopped having those conversations. How often can you discuss the same thing with no resolution?
So we’re dealing with the small stuff. Low level pain relief; thankfully he’s not suffering much pain at the moment. Raising his legs when he sits to alleviate swollen ankles and going with the flow when it comes to tiredness. There has been a feeling that he should push himself to walk further, get more exercise and somehow strive to improve his situation with the implication that he’s being lazy. The stroke rehab teamed were laser focussed in this area in order to help him get back to his previous level of mobility. They didn’t know what that was and it had reduced considerably during the previous two years. In hindsight this was likely the cancer taking hold which caused tiredness and difficulty in walking but wasn’t diagnosed. We had asked his doctor if he could have Parkinsons, but that wasn’t taken seriously. In the latter months they did check his legs for diabetic neuropathy but he was given an almost clean bill of health and told to come back in 12 months. Then COVID came and all investigations were put on hold.
So there’s a struggle between what’s good for G. Should he keep up with exercise and strive to improve his quality of life? How much of his mobility problems are stroke related and could be helped with a bit of willpower and determination and how much is it the encroaching cancer?
We did have some good advice from a rehab nurse who was also living with Stage 4 cancer. She said to listen to your body and if you feel tired, rest. Simple. G sleeps a lot during the day now and that’s fine.
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